franken-turkey…

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i don’t know how to describe it. maybe you’ve tried it before. i haven’t. i don’t want to try it. ever. all i know is i was talking to a good friend of mine last evening (i call him my lil’ brother) and we were sharing our thanksgiving plans when he told me that his family is having

TURDUCKEN!!!

 

have you ever heard of anything so crazy? me either!! lil’ brother either!! here’s how our convo went down:

mama: turducken? what the heck is that? does that have tofu in it?

lil’ brother: wait, hold up b—-, get out of the way!!! [he, once again, was clearly calling me from his cell while driving on his way home from work] i’m sorry… what were you saying, baby?

mama: the turducken. what is it??

lil’ brother: i don’t know what it is. all i know is it’s turkey and chicken and duck, but i don’t know the order. it’s all stuffed inside the other.

mama: huh? how in the heck do you stuff a duck in a chicken and turkey?? oh, i’ve gotta google this.

lil’ brother: yeah, and please let me know what it says…

so being the googly person that i am i went straight to google and well, googled it. and there it was, a kazillion results for this weird mixed up holiday bird called turducken.

oh, lil’ brother’s in trouble on thanksgiving. i hope his mama’s serving ham too.

so how do you make a turducken, you ask? well, you take a de-boned turkey, slather on a layer of stuffing, then lay a de-boned duck on that, then slather another layer of stuffing and then you put the de-boned chicken on top of that layer. i guess the stuffing acts as glue or something, i dunno. then you wrap this new fangled bird thing with some string so that it actually looks like a turkey again, and not a turkey that ate a duck that ate a chicken.

it’s a fraken-turkey, basically. but with no franks. you know what i’m saying, right?

and can i just mention that most of the recipes that i saw for this turducken said to make a sausage stuffing? i mean, just how many animals can you mix for one dish? i’m not a vegetarian or anything even close to it, but this just isn’t right!! i don’t wanna offend any turducken lovers out there, but this absolutely sounds like the grossest thing ever.

there should be a law: no more than two animals should be mixed together for a meal. i came up with two because well, i’m making the law and i actually enjoy a chicken cordon bleu sandwich from arby’s every once in a blue, blue moon. who knew that ham and chicken could taste so good together?

anyway, i’m digressing.

from what i saw in most of my google results, this turducken thing has cajun origins and you can order aplenty from louisiana. and check this out, there’s even a turduckencorpheail-turkey, duck, chicken, cornish hen, pheasant, quail.

stop the madness!!

oh, and that’s not it. it goes one step further, people. brace yourself for the turgooponducheasanishuail-turkey, goose, capon, duck, pheasant… you get the picture.

don’t even get me started on the one that starts with an ostrich. who eats ostrich?? i don’t know but apparently the ostrich ate the turkey that ate the duck that ate the chicken that ate the cornish hen that ate the pheasant that ate the quail. and the quail didn’t get to eat anything, thank goodness.

wikipedia reports that the largest recorded roast consisted of 17 birds. 17 birds?? i can’t even name 17 birds. and where do you even find these 17 birds? i think my local grocer only carries about 3 or 4 so at what point do you need to go outside with your hunting rifle or sling-shot and just start plucking birds off the wires?

come here you little pigeon and you over there mr. hummingbird, i’m making a turduckeneonhum this thanksgiving!

lil’ brother said he plans to send me a pic of his thanksgiving turducken. actually, i wanna see a pic of him eating it!

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Tags: birds, birds eating birds, everything eating everything else, people eating birds, pigeon, thanksgiving, turducken