5 going on 15?? sometimes i wonder

my child has a very…interesting little personality to say the least and this evening was no different from any other. it’s just that this time i decided to jot some of this stuff down here since, well, i haven’t blogged here in a minute anyway.

ummm, that was a run-on sentence, wasn’t it?

first up, he had to drive me crazy doing something he had no business doing. it’s just a mandatory part of our evening, you know. if you have a small child i’m sure you understand how they get down. so tonight it was flicking a light switch on and off.

mama: stop doing that! you’re wasting electricity!
dutch: is electricity even a word?

sidenote: see, he has this thing now where he doesn’t believe a lot of things i say. as if  i’m sitting around making up words to use on him or something.

mama: yes, it’s a word!
dutch: i don’t believe in you. you don’t believe in me so i don’t believe in you. i don’t believe in people who don’t believe in me…that’s just what i do.

yeah, okay, kid.

next was our first big activity of the evening: homework. homework for a kindergarten student in 2011 is nothing like it was for me back in the 70s. he’s labeling ant parts and stuff. and not just this is the head, this is the body. no, it’s this is the thorax, this is the abdomen. yeah, that.

but anyway, first, we had to finish last night’s homework where he had to write a story about 5 angry bees using the words “before,” “next” and “after.” he decided to end the story by saying that the bees went fishing.

i had never seen him draw his fish the way he did for this assignment so i asked…

mama: oh, how’d you learn how to draw your fish like that?

dutch: i’m just soooooo talented. i thought of it by myself.

well, now what mama is gonna argue with that?

after dinner we just chilled out on the couch. me, i’m reading wench by dolen perkins-valdez. dutch was watching nickelodeon. i wasn’t paying much attention when the h&m commercial came on, you know, the one with erykah badu singing muddy waters‘ “mannish boy”? the one with the women in the slinky bikinis? yeah, that one. and why was it on nickelodeon anyway??!! so here’s dutch…

dutch: mommy, why are women so hot?

okay, let’s pause for a second. what does my 5-year-old know about “hot”? i glance over to the tv and think maybe, just maybe, he thinks the women must be hot and that’s why they’re wearing skimpy clothing. right? right?

mama: what do you mean by “hot”??

dutch: you all have boobs and butts and stuff.

hol’ up…HOLLLLLLLLL’ UP!!!!!!!!!

WHAT??!!

i have to admit to not always being so quick on my toes with my son because sometimes he just blindsides me with the stuff he says and frankly, i’m sitting there replaying what he’s said over and over in my mind making sure i heard what i think i heard…and well, my usual witty responses are lost somewhere in the air.

so instead of giving him an answer, i ask again…

mama: what do you mean by “hot”?

dutch: you know, like when you want to kiss a girl.

okay, see, at this point i’m just ready to throw out every tv in the house and have him reading the Bible and langston hughes poetry 24/7. it’s bad enough that he came home from school with a loose tooth so i’m already reeling from the fact that my baby, who just got his teeth only a few years ago mind you, is about to lose one. now his ol’ snaggletooth self is talking about kissing girls?

Lord help me, i ain’t ready.

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